Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Black Friday

Image Source: Digitaltrends.com


Black Friday is a mental fart that makes us all rush to the store to buy those advertised specials like Pavlov's Dog salivates for the dinner bell. Imagine what we must look like to the overseers of the holiday retail games as they sit on high looking down at us shopping like our lives depended on it. May the odds be ever in your favor. There we are, running around like rabid animals, foaming at the mouth over $19.00 electric blankets and $5.00 DVDs. We snatch, grab and in some cases trample over our fellow shoppers just to make sure we get that last doll, the one that was touted to be the IT toy this year. It’s an insane scene.

We get up at three o'clock Friday morning to stand in line until six a.m., when the store manager opens the door and yells GO! At least that's how it used to be. Recently we've been given the generous option to leave grandma with the holiday clean up while we work off our Thanksgiving meal by rushing to the stores at six o'clock Thursday evening, and start our shopping early. How thoughtful.

We set our strategies, we have our carts in hand, revving them up so that we can be the first ones inside the doors when the games begin. Some people bring a partner, hoping it will give them the upper hand as they send them off in a different direction, synchronizing their time to meet at the finish line. . .and wait for long minutes to checkout. Oh, joy.

I vote we nip this Pavlovian conditioning in the bud, and ignore the hype. Stay home. As a matter of fact I say we should only give out homemade gifts this year. Build a birdhouse, knit a sweater, découpage a picture frame or bake someone's favorite desert. As for the kids? Well, that's going to be a tough one. . . Can we tell them Santa took this year off?

Monday, November 25, 2013

Fiat Commercials

 

I don’t care how many ways they try to convince me that Fiat is cool, I’m not buying it. Not when they drive it out of the ocean. I’m not convinced. Not when they have a group of bikini-clad woman gather around one on a sandy beach. I’m not convinced. I’m not even convinced when they get Jennifer Lopez to try and sell one to me. Fiat needs to stop trying so hard. As a matter of fact, Fiat needs to stop. Period. The car is too small. 

It looks like it needs a windup key in the back to start it, and an opening in the floor for your feet to stop it.  A car shouldn’t require a safety helmet to drive it, because I must say, if that thing ever gets in an accident with a real car you’re going to end up in the trunk, sharing space with the spare tire. Maybe the commercials should feature the car in a circus with clowns spilling out of it. That’s what it seems more suited for. I suggest that you don’t even allow this mental fart to form. Expel it before the pressure builds.


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Twerking

 
This mental fart has gone on for far too long. Stop it. Now. 'Nuff said. 


Friday, November 22, 2013

Wendy Williams

Who is Wendy Williams really?


Wendy Williams was once a radio personality that was most famous for her feud with the late Whitney Houston. I must admit that after watching a few episodes of her morning gossip show I can understand why Ms. Houston wanted to take Ms. Williams to the woodshed. The chat show host constantly gives out backhanded compliments that can make your head spin. 

For example, she recently ranted about how ridiculous it was for a producer to force Beyoncé to audition to be the voice of a cartoon character, because hey, she's Beyoncé. You know her work. Give her the role and go make the movie. Doesn't that sound like the shady lady is on the singer's side? Well this is where your head will spin. She then finished her statement with, "But you may have to send her to elocution classes because Beyoncé speaks in ebonics." What?? Did she really just say that? Not a fair comparison at all. I think Ms. Williams may be mistaking Ms. Knowles slight southern accent with the "It bees like that" ebonics that some people use, Ms. Williams included. 

But for some reason Beyoncé seems to be a favorite target. She has also stated that Ms. Knowles sounds like she has a fifth grade education. I wonder what Ms. Williams has against the singer? Could it be her youth, her beauty, her talent? I guess we'll never know, Because Ms. Williams will never tell. 

Also, she is always pushing for someone to be either fired, or replaced. If it's not one of the Housewives of Atlanta it's a Basketball Wife. She seems to have a personal problem with women of color who don't fit into her vision of who a woman of color should be. Watch her sometime. I guarantee it won't be long before she says or does something derogatory. And what's sad is that I don't think she realizes how often she does it. It's just something that is innately a part of her. She seems to especially dislike Lauryn Hill's choice of natural hair, and that's a shame. 

Her most recent target is Len Goodman (although not a woman of color, he is an older gentleman). Len is one of the judges on Dancing With the Stars, and it seems as though the armchair expert, Ms. Williams, doesn't think there is a need for a person that has an eye for the old dance standards to be judging a dance program that doesn't include professional dancers. Hmm, calling for someone's dismissal for having too much experience in their chosen field. Interesting. Maybe she didn't care for Mr. Goodman when she appeared on the show as a contestant. Who knows?  

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good bit of gossip just like anybody else, but Ms. William's special brand of reporting is done with just a little too much glee. There is something uncomfortable about it. She comes off like one of those mean girls in high school, which is an absurd persona for a woman who’s nearly fifty. What's so off-balance about her personality is that she is an admitted former crack head, who obviously has questionable taste in her personal appearance (See above pictures. Especially the decorative tattoo that camouflages her c-section scar, and the over-sized breast implants. She walks around her teenage son in that outfit. It’s truly amazing what a make up artist and a styling team can accomplish), but she tries to come off as a well-schooled fashionista with years of experience in the couture houses. Go figure.

Tami Roman (a Basketball Wife) was a guest at her round-table once, and the subject of children playing mature video games came up. Tami was against it, Wendy was for it. Wendy said that she lets her son play these games because he's going to play them anyway at a friend's house, and she trusts him. Tami made an excellent point when she said that the Williams household (I won't mention her married name) must be one of those places that parents should be careful about sending their children to because the adults will not respect the rules that other parents lay down. (I'm paraphrasing here.) And just as an aside, Ms. Williams also stated that she curses at her son when necessary, and doesn't think she needs to set parental controls for porn on the internet. He's going to see it anyway, she says. Wow, what a stellar lady.   

The woman used to be a joke (ask Joel McHale from The Soup), and that's how it should have stayed. Now she thinks she’s a legitimate personality that can give us advice and sell us, wigs, books and act on Broadway. She rarely knows what side of the debate she is truly on, often changing her opinions on a subject whenever the wind blows in a different direction. It makes me think that this job might be more than she can handle. Maybe she's too much of a contradiction for daytime talk. 

I think Wendy Williams is a mental fart that needs to be expelled on a long, hot smelly wind. Will someone, please put a stop to this, and send her back to the radio station where she belongs.

Oh, my. Did I just suggest that she be fired or replaced?. . . Oh well.


Thursday, November 21, 2013

Fifty Shades Of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey 

Read the ingredients on the label of a can of corn instead of this masturbatory debacle. It started out as online Twilight fan fiction, and now it’s become a literary phenomenon among the sexually naïve. Twenty years ago you could have grabbed a Penthouse Forum from behind the counter at a 7-11 and read the same stories. And for goodness sake, how much unconventional sex can two people have? Really. How much? After thirty or so pages of reading about the male lead having the female lead walk around with a string of balls packed away in her hoo-ha, or having her spanked or tied up or forced to beg for release, it gets kind of monotonous. Reading three books filled with this tripe is exhausting. Now, they want us to get all excited about a movie. Honestly, I just can’t. It’s too much. Everyone should be over this by now. That is why you all have my permission to give this trilogy one big mental fart and move on with your lives. It’s okay… really. In the end, the book covers were much more interesting anyway.