Done.

My Dearest Uncle Sam,

I want to first express my appreciation for all of the little things you do to make our lives simpler. However, I am writing to you today in utter disdain for what has become of our media.

I don't care ABOUT THIS! I mean we all know this guy shot a kid. We also know he was found not-guilty in a court of law by a jury of his peers (whether anyone agrees or disagrees with the outcome is beside the point.) I don't care that he got a speeding ticket, I don't care that he moved to another state and got another CC permit, and I most decidedly don't care that his inept wife (or estranged wife or whatever) was hit by a drunk driver! She had "abrasions" for crying out loud! A scrape!

If I had a buck for every scrape I've gotten... Have you seen my forearms lately?

Earlier this year I had two friends pass away -- one of whom passed suddenly and with absolutely no warning whatsoever. She left a daughter who was barely crawling at the time. If I could list the ways in which she changed people's lives my wrists would tire. If you had known her personally you'd be a changed man forever.

She barely made the obituaries.

And I have to read through this bullcrap about idiot Zimmerman and this chick.

Get real.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

What Type Of Dynasty Are We Creating?

Do you support this?

I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the insensitive comments about homosexuals and black people that the Duck Dynasty’s patriarch Phil Roberts said, but for those of you who haven’t here is a sample:

Phil On Homosexuality
Same-sex sexual activities are "shameful" and "perversions." He also implied that homosexuality was a result of people who "suppress the truth about God," therefore, causing God's wrath.

"Women with women, men with men. They committed indecent acts with one another, and they received in themselves the due penalty for their perversions," Robertson said. "They're full of murder, envy, strife, hatred. They are insolent, arrogant, God-haters. They are heartless, they are faithless, they are senseless, they are ruthless. They invent ways of doing evil."

Phil On Growing Up in Pre-Civil-Rights-Era Louisiana
“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field.... They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

Wow, thank you for that very current and insightful commentary, Phil!

Some of us might think that Phil's statements were antiquated and insensitive, but not all of us. Phil has his supporters. You know? The usual suspects. The firebrands who get behind this type of ‘free speech’ and get everybody riled up about First Amendment rights. There’s Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin and pretty much the entire Fox News team. But then an unexpected guest showed up at the party. Color me surprised when Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal jumped on the bandwagon in support of Phil Robertson. Wow! Does Bobby know he is of Indian descent? Does he have any idea that when people have a specific view of gays and minorities that foreigners aren’t that far behind? To these people it doesn’t matter whether or not you were born in the U.S. They do sight checks, and if they don’t like what they see you get voted off the island just like the other undesirables.

Even Geraldo Rivera is on Phil’s side. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that old Geraldo is working for Fox News. Didn’t he get his nose broken by a racist who threw a chair at him back when he was doing Jerry Springer type television?

But, back to Phil. I want to make something perfectly clear. I am of the mind that people can express their opinions in any way that they choose, it’s their right. But I am also of the mind that when people express opinions that are offensive to whole groups of people that they must also be prepared for the backlash. If folks have the right to say what they want, then folks have the right to react to what has been said. If that reaction presents itself as your boss forcing you to take a little time away from your job, then those are the breaks.

You being suspended or even fired doesn’t mean that your First Amendment rights are being stepped on, it just means that there are consequences to your actions. Something we seem to have forgotten in this country. We as a society. We as a nation have the responsibility to be thoughtful about the negativity that we put out there. Certain statements, certain actions, certain opinions can create an atmosphere that if it goes uncontested can become dangerous.

Think about this. The first black people were stolen from their home and brought to this country to be enslaved around 1619, and they were freed when the civil war ended in 1865 (actually they were supposed to be freed in 1863 when President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, but sh** happens) that is 246 years of a whole nation thinking it was just fine to treat generation, after generation, after generation of an entire race of people like animals. And as if that wasn’t long enough, in 1965, 100 years after they were set free, these people were still marching for civil rights. And even later, in the 1970s schools were still being integrated. That’s 350 years of the ruling race not getting tired of treating their fellow human beings like chattel. That’s kind of scary. They never got tired of being cruel.

During World War II we gathered up the Japanese that lived in this country and from 1942 to 1946 they were put in interment camps. They were called War Relocation Camps, but we know what they really were. Granted, this only happened on the west coast and Hawaii, but most of these people were American citizens. But hey, to make up for the mistreatment, in 1988 President Ronald Reagan signed legislation that apologized for the internment stating that the government’s actions were based on "race prejudice, war hysteria, and a failure of political leadership". The U.S. government eventually disbursed more than $1.6 billion in reparations to Japanese Americans who had been interned and their heirs.

Black people were never offered reparations. I guess the cost would have been too enormous. Oh well.

All I’m trying to say is. . .we are capable of some very nasty things in this country and the people that make those types of nasty things happen are making a comeback. And they have proven that if given enough rope they will hang you with it. They may not be wearing white hoods with points on the top, and maybe they aren’t burning crosses on lawns or blowing up churches with little girls in them, but they are there. They are making their presence known. In little ways.

They say things like ‘Of course I’ve used the N word’ like it’s the most natural thing in the world to do. They say ’Stop acting like a f**’ or ’That’s so gay’. This summer on Big Brother a couple of the girls in the house were making racist comments like it was an everyday occurrence. What I found so amazing was they were talking about Asian people doing nails and eating rice in a derogatory way. Hello! The host of the show is an Asian and she's married to the president of the network!

Are people really that ignorant? Or do they really not care?

We want to tell ourselves that now that we have a black president it proves how far we’ve come in this country as far as race relations go. I don’t think so. Racism is on the rise. People are saying and doing things out in public that they weren’t saying or doing fifteen years ago. We are going backwards people, and I’m getting nervous.

People have become apathetic and lazy. That’s a dangerous combination. And it leaves our society vulnerable to those who wish to push their own agendas. We must always remember and never forget how brutal we can be to one another, because as soon as we forget, that's when they will start loading people that disagree with them on trains and sending them away. And no one will say a word in protest.

To some people, Phil Robertson’s statements might be considered harmless, and maybe they are, but when you start to take a long hard look at the number of harmless statements that have been said over the last ten years you start to see a pattern. It’s been going on for too long. Everybody is taking their turn at intolerance. From Mel Gibson to Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E really knows how to pick ‘em) to Alec Baldwin to Paula Deen to Megyn Kelly taking a stance on how white Santa Clause is. Really?

It has got to stop people, or a Duck Dynasty is the last thing we’ll need to worry about because we will have reverted to our old ways, and end up creating a Dynasty of Hate. And nobody wants that. Right?

The Kardashians

You would think that a Kardashian mental fart would slide out nice and easy, with barely a sound. After all they are nothing more than foul smelling air, right? But it’s a little more difficult than that. These people are famous for doing nothing, so the question becomes. . . how do you get rid of nothing?

To evacuate this family drastic measures may have to be taken. Something like a mental enema. A build up of pressure may be necessary ‘cause they ain’t gonna go easy. I thought they were heading toward the exit when Kardashian #1 had a baby. Yes! Something other than herself to concentrate on. Then what did she do? She instagramed a picture of her overly bulbous behind, and reminded us all of why we know who she is in the first place.

And as if it’s not a big enough burden on society having to pay constant attention to the children, the momanger gets into the act when she is photographed hanging out with the Girls Gone Wild guy, while her husband of 22 years is photographed out grocery shopping with a ponytail hanging out of the hole in the back of his ball cap, with a caption announcing that he now wants to be a woman. Needless to say the momanger and the ex-Olympian are on their way to divorce court.

Recently, Kardashian #2’s pro athlete husband was alleged to have drug problems, and he is filmed weekly doing or saying something very odd.

One of the lesser Kardashians, who purports to be a model, was photographed with her nipples showing through a see-through garment. Her dad, the ponytail guy, said that’s what models do. Two of the youngest Kardashians have been caught leaving a club (that they were way too young to be admitted into in the first place) looking wasted as they were driven away.

Recently, Kardashian #1 was proposed to by her baby’s daddy, and all of a sudden it looked like she was about to become a legitimate wife and mother. Then a video was released. . . no, not another one of THOSE kind of videos. Well, not exactly. It’s a video of her kind of having simulated sex with the baby’s daddy on a motorcycle. . .man, she is a class act.

And it goes on and on. There have been comparisons to the president and first lady. Kardashian #1’s fiancé has recently let us all know that the family is the official ambassadors of interracial relationships, and I think I saw them in a Sears commercial, but I switched the channel before I could look into their eyes. And, oh, by the way, our year long wait is over. . . The official Kardashian Holiday card is out! Yippee! The one in this post is so last year!

What’s so frightening about this family is that I know all of this about them, and I am a person that purposefully avoids everything that has to do with these people. I have never seen one episode of their show, or watched or read any interviews that they have ever given. But that doesn’t matter because they are a viral pandemic. There is no escaping them.

I have come to the sad conclusion that multiple mental farts will be required to get rid of these people, because they have created some kind of blockage in the system. We may all need to make appointments with our doctors to get brain bariums, or high colonics of the mind, because it’s very possible that they might have attached themselves to our cerebral cortex, and are now nesting, giving birth to parasitic worms that will eventually burrow in deeper, keeping the memory of these people alive forever. . . Heaven help us.  

Udderly Ridiculous

Why are women showing so much boobage? There is front boob, side boob, under boob. Why? What's going on with the mammary? Whatever happened to the mystery of the breast. The allure? Or just some good old-fashioned modesty? Breast are a wonderful thing. A mystery to be unfolded. Breast were never something that you took for granted. Steps had to be taken to reach that goal. They were a part of the dating dance. Kissing was a given. At the end of a date you were pretty sure the evening would end with a goodnight kiss. But reaching second base (actually getting your grubby paws on the prized mounds), was a privilege, yes, I said privilege, that a woman made you work for. Nowadays, it's so random. You don’t even have to know who a woman is to see her cup size. I say, what’s wrong with a little teasing? Leaving something to the imagination? Being somewhat titillating, so to speak?

My mother used to say, “Enough is enough, and too much is nasty.” Did I mention my mother was known for her insight? Well, she was. Women have lost the fine art of seduction, and that’s a shame. They don’t make you work for it anymore, and as far as I’m concerned having to earn it is a big part of appreciating it when you finally get it. But it seems those days are long past, women put their breast right out there for you, me and any kid riding by on a skateboard to see.

My grandmother used to say, “People will go as far as you allow them to go.” Grandma was a font of wisdom. She was the one who told my mother about too much being nasty. Grandma was right. I think at the rate that things are moving women will be bouncing around totally naked in the next ten years. . . Now that I think about it, didn’t they pass that law in New York that allow women to go topless, just like the men? On second thought, maybe it will only take five years for them to be totally naked.

Now, I’m not complaining about a few free looks. I'm an adult. If a woman wants to show me a pair, I’ll gladly look, but I’m not so sure a pre-teen boy, taking a shortcut through Central Park should have to run the risk of seeing a pair of boobies up close and personal. That’s a lesson that should be learned when he sneaks his father’s Playboy magazine off of the top shelf of his closet, and rifles through the pages before dad discovers it's missing. (See? That's another step in earning it)

But there’s internet porn, you say. Kids can see things a lot more mind-blowing than an innocent pair of breast. Yes, you’re right, I respond. And that’s a whole nother story. My grandmother used to say, “Don’t go swimming in a pond until you know how deep the water is.” I told you she was a font. Internet porn is a pond of uncharted waters for me, so my first thought is, parental settings? Yes? My second thought is, maybe I should do a little research. I mean, I do have to give an informed opinion. Right?

Black Friday

Image Source: Digitaltrends.com

Black Friday is a mental fart that makes us all rush to the store to buy those advertised specials like Pavlov's Dog salivates for the dinner bell. Imagine what we must look like to the overseers of the holiday retail games as they sit on high looking down at us shopping like our lives depended on it. May the odds be ever in your favor. There we are, running around like rabid animals, foaming at the mouth over $19.00 electric blankets and $5.00 DVDs. We snatch, grab and in some cases trample over our fellow shoppers just to make sure we get that last doll, the one that was touted to be the IT toy this year. It’s an insane scene.

We get up at three o'clock Friday morning to stand in line until six a.m., when the store manager opens the door and yells GO! At least that's how it used to be. Recently we've been given the generous option to leave grandma with the holiday clean up while we work off our Thanksgiving meal by rushing to the stores at six o'clock Thursday evening, and start our shopping early. How thoughtful.

We set our strategies, we have our carts in hand, revving them up so that we can be the first ones inside the doors when the games begin. Some people bring a partner, hoping it will give them the upper hand as they send them off in a different direction, synchronizing their time to meet at the finish line. . .and wait for long minutes to checkout. Oh, joy.

I vote we nip this Pavlovian conditioning in the bud, and ignore the hype. Stay home. As a matter of fact I say we should only give out homemade gifts this year. Build a birdhouse, knit a sweater, découpage a picture frame or bake someone's favorite desert. As for the kids? Well, that's going to be a tough one. . . Can we tell them Santa took this year off?

Fiat Commercials

 

I don’t care how many ways they try to convince me that Fiat is cool, I’m not buying it. Not when they drive it out of the ocean. I’m not convinced. Not when they have a group of bikini-clad woman gather around one on a sandy beach. I’m not convinced. I’m not even convinced when they get Jennifer Lopez to try and sell one to me. Fiat needs to stop trying so hard. As a matter of fact, Fiat needs to stop. Period. The car is too small. 

It looks like it needs a windup key in the back to start it, and an opening in the floor for your feet to stop it.  A car shouldn’t require a safety helmet to drive it, because I must say, if that thing ever gets in an accident with a real car you’re going to end up in the trunk, sharing space with the spare tire. Maybe the commercials should feature the car in a circus with clowns spilling out of it. That’s what it seems more suited for. I suggest that you don’t even allow this mental fart to form. Expel it before the pressure builds.

Twerking

 

This mental fart has gone on for far too long. Stop it. Now. 'Nuff said. 

Wendy Williams

Who is Wendy Williams really?

Wendy Williams was once a radio personality that was most famous for her feud with the late Whitney Houston. I must admit that after watching a few episodes of her morning gossip show I can understand why Ms. Houston wanted to take Ms. Williams to the woodshed. The chat show host constantly gives out backhanded compliments that can make your head spin. 

For example, she recently ranted about how ridiculous it was for a producer to force Beyoncé to audition to be the voice of a cartoon character, because hey, she's Beyoncé. You know her work. Give her the role and go make the movie. Doesn't that sound like the shady lady is on the singer's side? Well this is where your head will spin. She then finished her statement with, "But you may have to send her to elocution classes because Beyoncé speaks in ebonics." What?? Did she really just say that? Not a fair comparison at all. I think Ms. Williams may be mistaking Ms. Knowles slight southern accent with the "It bees like that" ebonics that some people use, Ms. Williams included. 

But for some reason Beyoncé seems to be a favorite target. She has also stated that Ms. Knowles sounds like she has a fifth grade education. I wonder what Ms. Williams has against the singer? Could it be her youth, her beauty, her talent? I guess we'll never know, Because Ms. Williams will never tell. 

Also, she is always pushing for someone to be either fired, or replaced. If it's not one of the Housewives of Atlanta it's a Basketball Wife. She seems to have a personal problem with women of color who don't fit into her vision of who a woman of color should be. Watch her sometime. I guarantee it won't be long before she says or does something derogatory. And what's sad is that I don't think she realizes how often she does it. It's just something that is innately a part of her. She seems to especially dislike Lauryn Hill's choice of natural hair, and that's a shame. 

Her most recent target is Len Goodman (although not a woman of color, he is an older gentleman). Len is one of the judges on Dancing With the Stars, and it seems as though the armchair expert, Ms. Williams, doesn't think there is a need for a person that has an eye for the old dance standards to be judging a dance program that doesn't include professional dancers. Hmm, calling for someone's dismissal for having too much experience in their chosen field. Interesting. Maybe she didn't care for Mr. Goodman when she appeared on the show as a contestant. Who knows?  

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good bit of gossip just like anybody else, but Ms. William's special brand of reporting is done with just a little too much glee. There is something uncomfortable about it. She comes off like one of those mean girls in high school, which is an absurd persona for a woman who’s nearly fifty. What's so off-balance about her personality is that she is an admitted former crack head, who obviously has questionable taste in her personal appearance (See above pictures. Especially the decorative tattoo that camouflages her c-section scar, and the over-sized breast implants. She walks around her teenage son in that outfit. It’s truly amazing what a make up artist and a styling team can accomplish), but she tries to come off as a well-schooled fashionista with years of experience in the couture houses. Go figure.

Tami Roman (a Basketball Wife) was a guest at her round-table once, and the subject of children playing mature video games came up. Tami was against it, Wendy was for it. Wendy said that she lets her son play these games because he's going to play them anyway at a friend's house, and she trusts him. Tami made an excellent point when she said that the Williams household (I won't mention her married name) must be one of those places that parents should be careful about sending their children to because the adults will not respect the rules that other parents lay down. (I'm paraphrasing here.) And just as an aside, Ms. Williams also stated that she curses at her son when necessary, and doesn't think she needs to set parental controls for porn on the internet. He's going to see it anyway, she says. Wow, what a stellar lady.   

The woman used to be a joke (ask Joel McHale from The Soup), and that's how it should have stayed. Now she thinks she’s a legitimate personality that can give us advice and sell us, wigs, books and act on Broadway. She rarely knows what side of the debate she is truly on, often changing her opinions on a subject whenever the wind blows in a different direction. It makes me think that this job might be more than she can handle. Maybe she's too much of a contradiction for daytime talk. 

I think Wendy Williams is a mental fart that needs to be expelled on a long, hot smelly wind. Will someone, please put a stop to this, and send her back to the radio station where she belongs.

Oh, my. Did I just suggest that she be fired or replaced?. . . Oh well.

Fifty Shades Of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey 

Read the ingredients on the label of a can of corn instead of this masturbatory debacle. It started out as online Twilight fan fiction, and now it’s become a literary phenomenon among the sexually naïve. Twenty years ago you could have grabbed a Penthouse Forum from behind the counter at a 7-11 and read the same stories. And for goodness sake, how much unconventional sex can two people have? Really. How much? After thirty or so pages of reading about the male lead having the female lead walk around with a string of balls packed away in her hoo-ha, or having her spanked or tied up or forced to beg for release, it gets kind of monotonous. Reading three books filled with this tripe is exhausting. Now, they want us to get all excited about a movie. Honestly, I just can’t. It’s too much. Everyone should be over this by now. That is why you all have my permission to give this trilogy one big mental fart and move on with your lives. It’s okay… really. In the end, the book covers were much more interesting anyway.